


Lunch Club, but they're animals

by wheelsonthebus



Category: Lunch Club, SMPLive, The Lunch Club Podcast
Genre: A Lot Of Chaos, Also fuck you Josh and Mason are underrated and appear a lot in lc vids, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Animals, Bad Jokes, Bad Puns, Big Lion, Chaos, Crack Treated Seriously, Enemies to Friends, Gen, Goat schlatt goat schlatt, Humour, Making up the plot as I go, Poor Josh, Shenanigans, They're Vibing, Zoo, but not really enemies, but you're kinda cool actually", he didn't ask for this, i got this idea and ran with it, if mason was an animal he'd be an aye-aye those things are terrifying and so is he, kind of, like actual animals, more like "fuck you, more like a mad collector stole a bunch of cool animals and keeps them in his backyard, probably, someone help him, they're animals, weirdest thing I've ever written, why am I writing this?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:46:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23681047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wheelsonthebus/pseuds/wheelsonthebus
Summary: Charlie has to admit, the guy who caught and relocated him had balls of steel.Seriously, who looks at a 3.5 metre, 1,000 pound angry alligator and thinks, "Hey, I'm going to steal that thing"?
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s), they are friends and only friends
Comments: 19
Kudos: 161





	Lunch Club, but they're animals

**Author's Note:**

> they're all animals. that's it that's the plot.

Charlie has to admit, the guy who caught and relocated him had balls of steel.

Seriously, who looks at a 3.5 metre, 1,000 pound angry alligator and thinks, "Hey, I'm going to steal that thing"?

At least it was a noble way to go. He saved Grace from a definite fall from grace.

What a shame. He almost got a bite out of the guy's left arm, too. If he'd managed to, then he would've been all right.

Ha!

He tries his best to stay positive, but it's getting harder. The oxygen in his tank is slowly running out, and he can barely turn around. His tail is getting pins and needles. He hopes the human stops soon. 

One way of distracting himself is via observation. Even that's hard, considering the smeared glass of his tank, but beggars can't be choosers. It's a cruel torture, letting him watch as he leaves his home behind. He can barely see, anyway, in the boot of a truck. 

He shifts as well as he can, glancing around him. He's not the only animal here. 

There's an entire goat chilling beside him in a cage barely bigger than itself, looking as though it doesn't have a care in the world.

Charlie's stomach rumbles, and maybe the goat hears because it gets to its feet in less than a second, ears twitching. It has massive horns, almost as long as its body. 

"What are you looking at?" The goat snaps, and yep, that's definitely a male. He's very aggressive, although that may be because an alligator is eying it up.

"Fresh meat," Charlie says. It's hard to talk with tape around his snout, but he manages. "Who are you? I've never seen a goat like you before."

The goat looks indignant. "A goat? I am not just a goat! I'm an ibex, that guy says I'm the biggest he's ever seen." He tosses his head, then winces as he hits his head on the sides of the cage, but continues speaking as though nothing happened. "The finest in all of Russia."

Charlie blinks. "We're in America. How hard did you hit your head?"

The ibex squints at him. "They brought me to America. Oxygen deprivation getting to you, or somethin'?"

He tries to ignore the obvious bait. "I'm Charlie, an alligator," he says, a peace offering, "What about you?"

"They call me –" his voice drops– "Blades. PVP God. Build Boy. I could go on."

They stare at each other, and the ibex loses his composure. He starts laughing, almost manic, and bashes his head again. 

"My name is Schlatt," he says, a wide grin on his face. He pauses. "They do call me that, though," he adds, "Specifically PVP God. I'm too powerful, with these bad boys." He attempts to gesture to his horns, and slips, once again banging his head. He lifts a hoof. "And I got the steel toes. How'd they get you, anyway?"

Charlie hesitates. He's struggling to get a proper reading of Schlatt. He's like a hurricane of clashing personality traits.

Well, what does he have to lose? 

"I was trying to protect Grace," he says, not really wanting to elaborate. "It wasn't the most graceful thing to happen to me, to be honest."

Schlatt looks torn between screaming about the pun and being considerate of the situation. "Good on you, man," he says eventually. He doesn't even question it. This alone makes Charlie like him a lot more. "Sounds better than my story, anyway. I guess I missed my step and got a bit concussed. That's how they found me."

"How long have you been here?"

"They didn't drive me all the way here, dipshit. I was flown in, then I got picked up and was stuck here until they dropped you in, too."

Charlie nods. He lets the conversation end, turning back to stare at the outside. He wonders how many other creatures had been captured.

He ought to get some rest in. Who knows how long he'll be here for? It's a bit of a struggle getting comfortable, but he finds a position he can somewhat tolerate. It's a shame about the cover of his tank. He would've liked to sunbathe at least a bit.

-

"Wake up, shithead. We're here."

Charlie's yawn is pitiful and tiny with the little freedom the tape gives him. He tilts his head enough to look at Schlatt, who is laying down, legs tucked neatly beneath him. "Don't you ever sleep?"

"I got deals and business to attend to, Charlie," the ibex says. He flicks an ear, then gets to his feet. "I can smell other animals, but I don't know what they are."

Charlie nods. He can't see very well, no alligator can, but he can certainly smell very well, thank you. He lifts up as well as he can, murky water lapping at his feet, and takes in a breath. Schlatt isn't wrong – there's clashing scents of predator and prey. His instincts scream at him to get submerged or hide, but the tank leaves him exposed, and the water barely covers his toes.

His scales feel uncomfortable and hot, especially on his back. He hopes there's some sort of water source here, because he'll dry out very quickly if there isn't.

The truck shudders to a stop, and Charlie flinches at the sight of the human walking towards him. He's so vulnerable like this. He wouldn't even be able to fight back.

The human picks up his tank carelessly and he stumbles forwards, hitting his nose on the glass. A dull ache shoots up his snout and he thrashes, desperate to get away.

There's no where he can go. He knows that. He's just –

He's scared.

He can hear Schlatt calling for him and tries to concentrate on that instead. Tries his best to focus on the ibex's bleating and not the cruel little human jostling him around.

"Deep breaths," Schlatt says, voice calming, comfortable, almost kind. "They wouldn't go through the struggle of relocating us if they wanted to kill us."

That thought does relax him just a tad. If they don't kill him, he'll be able to escape, wouldn't he? He'd find his way back to his cosy little lake. He just needs to stay calm and he'll be fine.

He doesn't know how Schlatt managed to ram (ha!) his way into his head and keep him cool, but he's not complaining. Maybe he really did make a friend. How strange, an alligator befriending its prey.

Another human appears, though Charlie has to squint to see him.

"Mason, you better not have been juggling that tank."

The one holding Charlie shrugs. "Sorry," he says, barely sounding apologetic. "Just take the damn thing, Josh. It's heavy."

There's a grumble, and Charlie feels himself get passed on. He's thankful he understands human-speak – those are the perks of living nearby a golf course. 

In the distance, he hears the sound of a dog barking. No words, just the noise. Probably to evoke fear, or maybe its just excited. There's a low hiss somewhere here, too – panicked words stringing together into one. 

"Another one?" A strange voice says, and the scent tells him its prey. His stomach rumbles again. He really could do with food. If this Josh-human isn't careful, he'll take a bite out of him.

Behind him, he can hear Schlatt bleating angrily, and the dog barks louder, and the strange voice, the humans, the animals –

Black spots fill his vision, and he finds himself slipping away.

-

"– probably from stress –"

His limbs feel heavy. He's sprawled out on wet grass. When he digs down with his toes, he feels mud. Something wet touches his snout.

"– no point having a predator here, if it escapes –"

He tries to open his eyes, but they're so heavy. It takes him a couple moments to get his bearings.

His outer eyelid opens easily enough, but his second one stays shut. He can see through the membrane, but everything's blurry. That might just be his vision, though.

He blinks, slow and steady. The sun will set in a few hours, give or take, and it arouses his hunting instincts. He goes to stand and even manages a couple steps before his legs give way beneath him.

"Hey, you should probably rest."

The familiar voice is enough to stop in him his tracks. He swings his head around, then regrets it as the world spins around him. He takes a few seconds to steady himself. "Schlatt?" 

He's surprised by how croaky his voice is.

"You've been out for a while," Schlatt says. Charlie has no idea where the ibex is, and he's too tired to look, so he settles down and listens to the disembodied voice. "The humans are gone, don't worry. They'll probably be back in the morning."

Charlie struggles to let the words sink in. It's like his brain has turned to mush; nothing is sticking.

"To your right is the pool. You have most of it, but some of it is blocked off and that little shit of a frog takes up a square–" An indignant croak comes from somewhere ahead of him – "They left fish, or something, in there for you to eat. Not a lot if you ask me, since you're a big guy, but it'll do, probably."

Huh. Charlie shifts to his right, like Schlatt says, and the cool touch of water slides against his scales. It triggers something in his brain, because without even thinking he crawls forwards and dives in. 

The water is cool, but not too cold – the sun's rays warmed it enough to be bearable. He wouldn't have complained either way. He basks in it for a heartbeat until something silver flashes past him, and his jaws open and snap shut so fast he's shocked by himself.

That means they removed the tape. 

Well. The humans better not come close now, then.

Once he's satiated his hunger, Charlie explores the pool. In the furthest corner is a small square blocked off, with tiny, but very sturdy bars. He rises to the surface, watching as the bars grow taller and taller. There's two trees inside it with branches that grow thinner at the tops. Some type of nut grows on its branches, and he can just about see a small and furry shape clinging to the bark.

Something vivid green pops out in front of him and Charlie instinctively steps back, jaws opening wide. When the green thing starts laughing, he relaxes enough to take a good look.

Wow. That's embarrassing.

He just got jumpscared by a frog.

This frog doesn't look like any he's ever seen, though. It has orange, almost red, eyes and the same colour painted on its feet. He wonders what kind it is.

"Tree frog," it says, as though reading his mind. "I'm Cooper, and that's Travis up there." He points a webbed foot up at the trees, where the furry shape is still crouching.

Charlie tilts his head. It's easy enough to be civil through a cage. He wonders how he'd act if there wasn't a barrier.

He'd probably eat them, if he wasn't so full.

It's an interesting thought.

"I'm Charlie," he says. He's kind of tired of introducing himself. "How long have you been here?"

"A few days," Cooper says. He shifts, then starts leaping to-and-fro, as though he's unable to keep still. "Travis was the first here, though. I heard some monkeys eat frogs, so I was kind of, y'know, _scared for my life._ But he's a softie. A coward, if you will."

"Hey!"

Ah. So Travis must've been the strange voice. It's quite high-pitched, and cracks halfway through the word.

Charlie glances around. "Are we the only ones here?"

"For now, yeah. Other than that dog. He comes out every day and starts yapping on and on about some dumbass joke."

Charlie perks up, just a bit. Now that's something he can get behind.

If the dog manages to make a dumber joke than him, he'll just eat it. Easy solution, plus a free meal. There's really no losing in this situation.

He dips his head to the little frog and turns around, slowly making his way along the perimeter of his cage. It's the second largest, if you include the pool, inferior only to Schlatt's. Makes sense, since Schlatt is a herbivore, and those fuckers eat a lot.

There's still an empty space in the centre of the field-garden, with long grasses and one tree with bare branches. It looks half-built – perhaps another animal will be joining them, soon.

Same goes for that empty rectangle. It reaches about halfway down the pool wall, so he's guessing the animal that goes there swims, too. Maybe another reptile?

He swears he's heard it before. He wonders where its gone. Cooper didn't mention it, maybe he doesn't know?

Charlie slides back into the water to think.

Well. He's never been the greatest at that. He prefers to act on a whim. It's easier, anyway, to keep your head empty, unless he's trying to make a joke.

But now? Now there's a real issue going on. Cooper says he's been here a few days already, and Travis has been even longer. 

He still doesn't know why they're here, but damn if he doesn't find out.


End file.
